Following a break up, it will be inevitable at some point that one or both parties will pause and think, “I’ve made a huge mistake.” Most of the time this is a reaction to facing the end of something certain (an established
relationship) and the beginning of uncertainty (singledom,
dating, etc.). Even those people who feel a huge sense of relief have a little twinge inside of them saying, “What if that’s it, and I never find love again?” This twinge can lead us to do many foolish things. In fact, most would agree that it is the leading cause of ex-
sex. But when that voice just won’t quit nagging you, and you come to the realization that you have made a mistake, is it possible to rekindle an extinguished flame?
Things To Consider
One element to consider is who did the dumping. If it was a mutual decision (which, in reality, is very rare: one person is always a little more hurt than the other), then there may still be some open lines of communication. Many couples find that when they have been together for a long time, and from a very young age, that there is a period in which they need to break out of the relationship to see if what they have is real. Sometimes they come back together and realize that what they have cannot compare to what is out there, and sometimes they do not.
If you dumped her and have since come to regret that decision, there is a narrow window in which you guys will be able to get back together fairly easily. If the break up was a shock or done in the heat of the moment, then if you get to her fairly soon, while she is still in shock, you may have a chance to take back what you did and beg for forgiveness. Striking while the wound is stinging allows you the upper hand in that she will probably be reeling and confused and looking for a reason you have done what you have done. If you catch her in that daze, it will take some explaining and some grovelling, but there is a good chance that you can come back with a good reason (and an expensive present).
If your break up was recent, but not in the heat of the moment—if it was a sit down dumping with a reason—then you might have some more work to do. When someone dumps you, it hurts your ego. A lot of the hurt we feel in a dumping, especially in the early stages of the relationship when there is not a lot of emotional attachment, is wrapped up in the damage done to our egos. For this reason, it is difficult to forgive someone and trust them again because our egos are pulling a protective layer of pride around us.
One good resource to go to here, and in all comeback situations, is common friends. This will be tough right after a break up, as there will be some who feel they need to take sides, and they may not be sympathetic to your cause. Get a woman’s perspective if you can. It would be great if the two of you have a mutual female friend, as her friends will probably be feeling very protective of her right now. If their friend is hurting, they may not want to give you the time of day, but if you beg them to take the message to her that you made a huge mistake, they might just do it to help their friend heal. This does not mean that they will support you getting back together with her (they will be wary of you for a while), but making it up to her friends is going to be part of making it up to her. Their forgiveness will be much harder won that hers, as they have nothing to lose in not trusting you.
If the situation is reversed and it is you who has been dumped, then her friends are going to be invaluable to you. Try not to put them in any weird situations of having to comfort you, as it will be awkward for them, but letting them know that you miss her will get the message to her if she is willing to receive it. Again, make sure that it is not your ego that is pressing you to get back together with your ex. Ask yourself honestly if you just want to get back together with her to prove to yourself you can and that she made a huge mistake. That’s what ex-sex is for.
One of the biggest deal-breakers is cheating, or at least it should be. If you and your ex broke up because one of you cheated on the other, ask yourself why you would want to get back together with someone who would treat you with such little regard. Or conversely, why you found the need to cheat on her. Was it because you weren’t happy in the relationship? In a cheating situation, the reason for cheating is really not as important as we all think. A person can cheat because they aren’t happy with their partner, and that should be a big flag. If a person cheats on a partner they love by simply having a “meaningless fling,” then the betrayed partner must come to the realization that the person they love and trust is willing to throw it away for meaningless sex. Either way, it’s one of the worst feelings in the world. There’s no good answer for cheating, and it’s really difficult to recover a relationship in the shadow of a betrayal.
In the end, you have to face why it is you want to get back together with her and find a way to tell her. There is a reason that the two of you broke up. It is really easy to romanticize a relationship, or focus only on its good points, when you are looking back at it from a place of loss. You might feel as though there were small flaws, but they do not compare to the hole in your life that your ex filled.
What you must consider is this: is the hole you are feeling one that could only be filled by your ex, the individual, or is it just a void in the place where the relationship was? If you are in a long-term relationship, your life and that of your partner really meld together. When the relationship ends, it is difficult sometimes to figure out who you are as an individual, without them to reflect you. This is not reason enough to get back into the relationship, and in fact, it might be a signal to you that you need some time on your own to figure out who you are outside of that relationship, and any relationship.
