Sexuality and sexual preference is a complicated matter. Depending on whom you believe, whom we are sexually attracted to is determined by a number of factors, including biological, psychological, cultural and societal. How we choose to label ourselves has everything to do with how we form our identities. Most of us grow up in a heterosexual context in which that is perceived as the “default” preference. Few of us have the luxury of choosing whom we are attracted to, so those who identify as bisexual can be perceived as having the best of all worlds. They are not limited by gender when choosing a partner.
In the heterosexual male world, the experience of bisexuality has been traditionally been relegated to fabricated scenarios of male fantasy wherein two women are involved sexually for the purpose of turning on a man. Think of almost any porn you have seen. When you are faced with the opportunity of being in a relationship with a woman who identifies herself as bisexual, however, you will soon find that the complexities of the relationship go far beyond the limits of potential girl-on-girl action.
Identity
When a person identifies him or herself as bisexual, generally it means that they find themselves sexually attracted to both men and women. They may have labelled themselves as such as a matter of honesty about their identity, or their reasons might be much more political. Whatever their reasons, if you are dating a woman who identifies herself as bisexual, don’t expect to “turn” her. Just because she is choosing to be with you doesn’t mean she will never be attracted to women again, in the same way that it doesn’t mean you will never be attracted to other women. Being in a relationship doesn’t turn you into a eunuch, and it doesn’t turn her into a heterosexual.
It can be confusing to be involved with a woman who identifies as bisexual. The first thing that you have to realize is that her sexual identity has nothing to do with yours. Her previous experiences may have been different from other girlfriends you have had, but you should not consider that a threat. Every girl you have slept with has had sexual experiences that are different from sleeping with you. Don’t fall into the trap of becoming insecure about your sexual performance, as that will only cause anxiety. Realize instead that your sex life with her is one that is as unique as every other sexual experience you have had with other partners.
What If…?
Whenever we enter an exclusive relationship, we are taking the chance that we can trust the person we are committed to to protect our feelings and our hearts by being faithful. Just because your girlfriend is attracted to women doesn’t mean that she is going to cheat on you. If a person commits to monogamy the idea is that it is because they want to be committed to the person they are with, regardless of other temptations cross their paths. This does not change because they are attracted to different types of people.
If you are a jealous or insecure person, being with a bisexual girl can be threatening, simply due to the fact that you may now feel that you have an entire 50% of the population to worry about that you wouldn’t have normally. The first thing you need to evaluate is if you are secure enough to handle this situation without trying to change who your girlfriend is or limit who she spends time with. Rather than see the rest of the world as a threat, take a minute to consider that, of all those people out there she had to choose from, she is choosing to be with you.
It is inevitable that she is going to have at least one or two close female friends. It is even possible that one or more of those friends could be ex-girlfriends of hers. Women are notorious for trying to salvage relationships (with men or women) with attempts to stay friends. It is as if we don’t want to feel as though we have come through a relationship without being able to salvage something good. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Like a situation where your girlfriend is friends with an ex-lover, these relationships are difficult to understand for new loves. The best way to alleviate your fears is to ask her why they broke up and if she is still attracted to her, the same questions you would have if she were friends with a male ex. Don’t get caught up in the trap of thinking that her ex has something to offer that you can’t (sex with a woman). You’ve broken up with women before, and maybe even have wanted to sleep with them again after the fact. It doesn’t mean you always do, and it doesn’t mean you’d risk a good, new relationship to do so.
As for her other friends, you may wonder if she’s attracted to them. Don’t ask her unless you are prepared for the answer. Think about if the roles were reversed and she was questioning you about a female friend of yours. Just because you would sleep with that friend given the right circumstances doesn’t mean that you would do it on a whim and risk your relationship. If you force her to tell you about every girl she is attracted do, expect to be asked the same. And think about how you would feel being constantly scrutinized and questioned. You would feel as though she doesn’t trust you, and you would be right.
Any relationship is a leap of faith. It involves trusting that the other person’s feelings are genuine and that they are going to be honest with you about their needs and limitations. It also involves believing that you are worthy of being loved by the person you are with. Women are complex, and you are never going to know what is around the corner in any relationship. If a girl is worth giving it a shot, and if you believe you are worth it too, then talking and being honest with each other is your best chance to make each other happy.
