Don't Even Go There: Types of Women to Avoid

Let me guess: you’ve just got back from a date with a new woman but instead of planning to see her again, you’re changing your phone number and entering the witness protection program to avoid her. Once again, you hooked up with someone who looked great at first but proved to be fatally flawed after only a few of dates.

Why didn’t you see this coming?
If you had only considered the whole package and not just her looks, you would have noticed that she was trouble just waiting for a place to happen. But you were distracted by the prospect of getting sex, right? And so you paid the price and ended up with yet another freak show.

Next time you meet a prospective partner, run through your mental checklist and see if she fits any of the following personality types. If she does, cover your eyes and run far, far away—don’t get sucked into dating another crazy lady, no matter how hot she looks in that fuzzy sweater!

The Bad Girl
Seduced by images of "Pink" on MTV, you were on the lookout for a hot biker chick who loved to break all the rules. And at first, it was fun to be out with her. She was always trying something new and unexpected—the naughtier the better.

The Bad Girl is a powerhouse in the bedroom. No position is off-limits and she’s the one volunteering to bring her best friend in to join the fun. So who cares if she’s also sleeping with every guy on the block, just as long as you’re getting some too, right? Deep down inside you figure this is your one chance to score with a Pamela Anderson wanna be, so you let her get away with bad behaviour.

The big downfall with the Bad Girl? She doesn’t give a damn about you. She doesn’t care about your feelings and puts your health at risk if she’s sleeping with everything with a pulse. That’s fine if you have a death wish, but if you actually want to keep your immune system functioning at full capacity, ditch her pronto.

The Drama Queen
Of course you must recognize this beauty, don’t you? She’s the girl with anger management issues—you just don’t know it until she explodes a couple of times over nothing. It’s easy to be swayed by her seemingly normal personality—you can’t tell by looking at her that she’s got a temper that makes the Incredible Hulk look like a Girl Scout.

Piss her off a few times though and you’ll quickly learn to duck when she grabs the crystal. Now you know why she has no friends and nobody has anything good to say about her. Repeat after me: normal women don’t have hissy fits. No matter how many times she apologizes for her immature actions, don’t let her off the hook. You can bet another temper tantrum is right around the corner, just before her next period is due.

The Diva
She’s pretty as a picture—the ultimate eye candy. Too bad she’s so busy making love to her mirror that she barely notices your existence. You’re just a normal guy—how can you compete with her narcissistic tendencies? Be prepared to be stuck in Brady Bunch purgatory shouting “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!” every two seconds when she begins yet another description of her extensive lip gloss collection. Your best bet is to drop this mannequin as quickly as possible and hook up with a real woman—who might not stop traffic when the two of you walk down the street but won’t leave you standing there talking to yourself while she admires herself in the store windows either.

The Hippie Chick
The Hippie Chick is a bad hangover from the sixties who believes any New Age mumbo jumbo that comes down the pike. Whether it’s astrology, past life regression or numerology, this girl’s into it, big time. Stick with her and before you know it, you’ll be standing on your head meditating to clear your energy chakras while living on sprouts.

One good thing about a Hippie Chick—you won’t need to buy any groceries since she’ll probably grow all her own food on her organic farm. This isn't a bad thing but still, the relationship is doomed unless you're equally interested in her bizarre religious crap. Use her while you can—get the phone numbers of all of her free-love commune-living girlfriends, then hit the road quick before you marry six or seven of them.

The Sweet Young Thing
Look at her over there, all decked out in her Britney Spears schoolgirl kilt and knee socks. Boy, is she ever asking for it. Oh wait, that’s no costume—she really is a Catholic schoolgirl. Oops!

Anyway, steer clear of any female young enough to be your daughter—they call it jailbait for a reason. Sure the younger women look up to you and admire your extensive knowledge of the martial arts (thank you Jackie Chan!) but all that fawning and hero-worship gets tiring after a while. Believe it or not, there will come a time when you will want to have a serious conversation about something like war, politics or the value of not relying on Mommy and Daddy for spending money. And how long do you think you can keep her enthralled with your “older man” mystique before she dumps you for a fifteen-year old with an iPod and a BMX bike?

So why do you keep hooking up with these types of winners? Because you’re a sucker. A sucker for a sob story. A sucker for a pretty face. A sucker for sex, period. If sex is all you need, fine, but until you can learn to think with your brain and not your winkie, you’re going to keep picking the same sort of trouble over and over again.

When you meet someone new, don’t rush to hop in the sack whatever you do—that’ll only give the crazy lady more ammo because - she’ll get clingy and start thinking that you love her. Take her out to dinner several times. Have in-depth conversations with her and refrain from staring at her chest. Then, if the warning bells start to go off in your head and you think she might be a nut job, pull out the heavy artillery—take her home to Mom and see what she thinks. Because you know what they say—it takes one to know one.