"Not tonight honey, I've got a headache", is a sad but true cliche for many couples. While you're ready and raring to go, your partner has given you yet another excuse just to roll over and go to sleep. Before you get ticked off and go taking it personally, there are quite a few valid reasons why women say no to
sex so often. Luckily, there are also many ways to bring her desire back too!
Low sexual desire-what the experts call hypoactive sex drive or HSD for short, is very common in both men and women. By definition, women with HSD lack sexual fantasies, suddenly find sex uninteresting and rarely masturbate. In men, HSD is usually related to an erection problem but a woman's lack of sexual desire is often more complex and directly related to other aspects of her life.
Female sexual dysfunction can be made up of relationship conflicts, emotional issues, past traumas, hormonal imbalances and physical responses such as pain, arousal or orgasm problems. A problem in one area usually impacts on the other and research shows that sexual dysfunction is neither all in her head nor all in her body, but a combination of the two.
A bit of investigation will be necessary to find the reason for her lack of sexual desire. When did her sexual desire take a nosedive? Was this problem sudden or gradual? What is going on in her life that could make her sexual interest drop?
There are many reasons why a woman's libido could shut down. The most obvious one is fatigue. If your partner is working full time and doing a million other activities on a daily basis, she will drop into bed at night with sheer exhaustion. Add some kids to the mix and you've got a recipe for sleep deprivation. If she is nursing or has just given birth, a woman's body shuts down sexually as a protective measure. Who wants to have sex (and possibly get pregnant again) when you've already got a baby to care for? Breastfeeding also raises the level of prolactin in her system, a hormone which suppresses sexual desire and lowers testosterone. Testosterone is found in both men and women and is responsible for building sexual desire.
Maybe your partner is feeling overwhelmed with stress. Does she have to juggle a career and childcare, relationship problems and other responsibilities on a daily basis? Too much stress can be overloading her system, causing hormone imbalances and depression. Desire can also diminish as a result of an undiagnosed thyroid condition. A good general check up with her doctor is in order to rule out any physical causes.
Certain medications, such as antidepressants, can lower libido and suppress orgasm. Low libido is a notorious side effect of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), most notably Prozac®, Paxil® and Zoloft®, which are commonly prescribed to treat depression. And if she's on the birth control pill or another hormonally-based birth control technique like Depo Provera, she won't ovulate. Without the flow of hormones during ovulation there is no natural monthly surge of sexual desire. Most women find it easiest to orgasm during ovulation, as the body does everything possible to ensure a pregnancy. You may wish to investigate other forms of birth control so that your partner doesn't have to rely on the pill. Sterilization may be a valid form of birth control if you're done having children. The fear of pregnancy can cause a woman to lose desire, so once there is no chance of an unwanted pregnancy, her libido may return full force.
If no physical reason has been discovered, an emotionally-based problem might be causing her loss of sexual desire. A woman will experience a sexual shutdown as a result of couple problems or unresolved anger towards her partner. If she's mad at you because of issues that haven't been dealt with openly, she's not going to want to jump into bed with you.
The bombardment of sexual images in the media may also have a negative effect on your partner's libido. If she feels bad about gaining weight or is sensitive about her breast size, seeing Halle Berry's perfect body in every magazine isn't going to make her feel good about herself. And a woman with a bad body image doesn't jump at the chance to get naked and show you all of her perceived flaws.
If your partner doesn't want to have sex, you may feel undesired and withdraw from her. Unfortunately this will only make her shut down even further as she needs to feel emotional closeness in order to be her most sexual. You will need to find ways to reconnect with her outside of the bedroom and build intimacy that way before her libido can return to normal.
Your partner will also need to take steps to re-sexualize herself-she must be responsible for her own pleasure. This could mean having a long massage, going out dancing or even having a pedicure-anything to put her in touch with her body again. Exercise, such as yoga, will increase blood flow to the pelvis and increase her sexual desire as a result. Regular exercise will also help improve her body image and self esteem-when she feels sexy again emotionally she will feel sexual again physically.
So the next time your partner turns you down in the bedroom, take the time to understand where she is coming from and don't get defensive. By learning why she doesn't want sex right now, you're on your way to having better sex in the future.
