Sexual Addiction: Is Anyone Buying This?

To me, sexual addiction has always seemed like one of those things that guys make up to justify their traveling trousers or unmanageable libido. I likened it to the adult version of the old "If I don't do it, I might die" refrains of younger sexual experiences. Much like any addiction, however, sexual addiction has little to do with a healthy, yet exorbitant libido. Instead, like any addictive behaviour, it involves compulsive practices that are used to manage other, sometimes unlinked, stresses in a person's life.

Characteristics of the Sexual Addict
Just because you have problematic sexual behaviour does not automatically qualify you for "addictive" status. There are three basic characteristics that distinguish any addictive behaviour from so-called "normal" behaviour. The first characteristic is a loss of control over your behaviour; the second is experiencing negative consequences due to your addictive behaviour, but continuing the behaviour nonetheless; and the third is being preoccupied with the behaviour, or thoughts of the behaviour, to the detriment of other activities, responsibilities and relationships.

Sexual addiction can manifest itself in many different forms. It is not restricted to simply having multiple sexual partners. Compulsive sexual behaviour can include excessive masturbation, prostitution (including prostituting oneself or engaging the services of a prostitute), cybersex, voyeurism, exhibitionism, strippers, porn, and in the most legally and morally serious cases, child molestation, incest and rape.

If anyone of these behaviours dominates your life to the point that it interferes with normal living or causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and your work environment, you may be looking at dealing with a sexual addiction.

Many common characteristics of sexual addiction are shared by the 3-6% of the American population who suffer from sexual addiction. Multiple addictions are common, for example. Concurrent addictions can include chemical dependency, eating disorders, and compulsive working, spending and gambling. Untreated sexual addiction (often seen simply as a destructive symptom of other addictive behaviours) can often complicate the treatment of and recovery from other addictive behaviours if left untreated.

Past physical, sexual or emotional abuse (often childhood abuse) also seems to be a common characteristic of those suffering from a sexual addiction.

If you are questioning if your sexual behaviour is normal, examine your feelings surrounding your sexual behaviour. Do you have trouble stopping or controlling your sexual behaviour, or does it make you feel helpless and sometimes hopeless? Is your compulsion progressively getting worse/harder to control? Do you hurt yourself or others with your sexual behaviour? Is your sexual behaviour mixed up with feelings of guilt, shame, degradation, or alienation? Often those with sexually compulsive behaviours will act out to alleviate stress or discomfort, only to be crippled by these feelings. Many people who struggle with sexual dependency suffer deep depression and even contemplate suicide.

Consequences of Sexual Addiction
The consequences of sexual addiction can be as individual as each person's experience with the compulsion, but there are several common areas of a person's life that suffers. The first is your physical health. Because the sexual behaviours addicts engage in are compulsive, they may not take the precautions are recognize the dangers that other, non-addicted sexual explorers might.

For example, sexual addicts might not be as cautious about safe sex as their non-compulsive counterparts if that precaution will interfere with the pursuit of their specific sexual behaviour. As a result, they (and therefore their partners) may be at a heightened risk of contracting STDs from the curable to HIV. Unwanted pregnancy could also result. Because of the nature of compulsive behaviour, there is often not a lot of foresight or attention given to details not germane to the actual behaviour.

Mental health is obviously another consideration in dealing (or not dealing) with sexual addiction. With addiction, you are, in effect, using a compulsive, unhealthy behaviour to deal with an emotional or psychological situation for which you have not developed a healthy strategy of coping. So, in effect, you have the emotional stress of whatever it is you have not dealt with, and then on top of that, you have the added stress of dealing with the emotions stirred up by your compulsive behaviour. This is not an optimum mental and emotional state.

Personal loss is another consequence of sexually addictive behaviours. The nature of addiction is that satisfying it becomes the primary goal of your life. This is to the detriment of all other personal goals. Sexual addicts report the loss of their partner, damage to family relationships and friendships, loss of self-respect and of their sense of self. For many, the sexual behaviours that they compulsively enact are in conflict with their personal set of values, which causes a crisis of identity.

Finally, financial or professional losses can occur due to the compulsive behaviour. This can be due to excessive spending in pursuit of your sexual behaviour, inappropriate sexual behaviour spilling over into the workplace, and legal problems from misdemeanors to serious sexual offenses.

Getting Help
The first step, as with any addiction, is admitting you have a problem, that you have lost control over your life, and you are willing to get help. This not the easy part, and in fact, nothing about recovering with or managing and addictive behaviour is easy. The next step, after admitting you need help is to seek a professional. Many programs and recovery centers exist, depending on your location. These can include inpatient and outpatient counseling, group and individual therapy, and support groups, such as Sexual Addicts Anonymous.

Recovery from addiction falls into two major categories or philosophies. The first is treating the addiction as a disease (the famed 12-step program), in which you admit your helplessness in "curing" the disease and, among other coping mechanisms, give your control over to a power higher than the addiction (which can manifest itself in any way you want).

The second way is to undergo therapy to accept that the behavioural decisions you are making are your own and to regain control over your own life. One thing supporters of both therapies will concede to is that compulsive behaviours are not necessarily something that can be "cured," but they can be managed on a day-to-day basis by learning other coping mechanisms to deal with the underlying stressors that lead you to your particular behaviour.

You will have to decide which approach is best for you, because in the end, only you can make the decision to change your patterns of compulsive behaviour. For more information on how and where to get help, visit the National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (NCSAC) Web site, or www.sexhelp.com.