This is the fifth instalment of a regular series about Urban
SEX Legends. These are stories that you have heard late at night, from some guy or girl you don't know, about some horror story involving
sex gone wrong. Our mission is to tell the story in its shocking entirety, then see if we can label it fact or fiction. So read on, if you dare, and enter the always fascinating, sometimes horrifying world of Urban
SEX Legends.
The Legend
In our last instalment, we told a tale of how canned tuna and vaginas just don't mix. Well, during our research, we uncovered two other food related legends, which we felt we must share with you, our readers. So please, do enjoy this week's stories, and try not to let them put you off sex.
Foot Longs
In this popular story, which was told to me by a close friend, an experimenting high school girl uses the wrong food item to get off with. My friend swears that this girl, who we shall call Michelle, decided to masturbate with a frozen foot-long hot dog from the freezer, during her lunch break from school. After the initial shock of the cold tube steak, Michelle quickly gave way to passion. Between the rigorous thrusting and her hot vagina, the foot-long snapped. To make matters worse, poor Michelle, unable to fish the loose piece out with her fingers, eventually walked over a mile to the hospital. She never did make it back to class that day but somehow, the story did.
Fact or Fiction?
The friend that told me this, also mentioned that she hated the girl in question, who she deemed as a "˜slut' all during high school. And then, to further undermine her story, I found this link: http://www.snopes.com/college/sex/hotdog.htm
So maybe the whole thing is just a vindictive, high school vendetta. Or maybe these poor girls are getting cocktail franks from the boys, when they really want the foot long's?
Peanut Butter & Bacteria
Another close friend told me this tale. She knew all the parties involved, and delights in passing along their sad tale of bacterial infection. It all began quite innocently, when Chuck brought home Diana from the bar. They were both pissed, and were fooling around in the kitchen. Chuck realized three things very quickly: 1) he needed to keep Diana quiet, or they would wake up his roommate Bill, 2) he was way to drunk to maintain, let alone get a hard-on, 3) Diana wanted to have sex right there on the table.
Chuck did not panic, even though his limp dick was an obvious problem. Instead, he began to get funky with Diana. After eating her out for a while he grabbed some peanut butter and slathered it all over her vagina, in her ass, you name it. He damn near emptied the jar, but she kept begging for more. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, he got a hard-on. They had intercourse, and then crashed in his room.
The next day, when Chuck stumbled out of bed, he found Bill sitting at the table, munching down a peanut butter sandwich. Chuck did not think much of it at first, although he noticed a few suspicious hairs clinging to the jar. But the next day, when he had to take Bill to the hospital, he thought about it a lot. You see, Bill was vomiting and he had diarrhoea, both events were happening frequently and simultaneously. The Doctor kept asking Chuck what bill had ate, or if he was on drugs. Chuck kept quiet at first, but eventually he told the Doctor what sort of fluids may or may not have been in the peanut butter. When Bill found out, after he recovered from Fecal Coliform Bacteria poisoning, he moved out.
Fact or Fiction?
Well, my friend swears all of this really happened, and I am inclined to believe her. And no, she was not the peanut butter girl, but she does like it on toast!
Weiner Biter
This one does not involve food, but it does involve another type of "˜hot dog.' After coming across a rather grisly car crash, a highway patrolman called for an ambulance. The car was wrapped around a pole, and both occupants were dead. At the morgue, two surprising discoveries were made. First, the man, who was driving, had no penis. In fact, judging by the recent wound, he must have lost it in the accident. But before the coroner called the officer to have a look around the crash site and the car, he decided to do an autopsy on the female passenger. There, tucked away inside her mouth, was the bitten off member of the late driver. No one could ascertain if she had chomped off his willy prior to the crash, or if the unfortunate bite was the cause. They did note, however, that he still had a smile on his face when they pulled him from the car.
Fact or Fiction?
Of course this story is true! In fact, it happens about every second weekend during the summer. The trick is to avoid hitting any bumps while getting your dick sucked, or at the very least, date girls who have no teeth. If you really want to play it safe, let her drive or pull over.
In Conclusion"¦
We all want some action, but please, try not to infect, maim, or stuff things where they do not belong! Life is too short to be digging out wieners from anywhere other than your BBQ, and remember - dicks should be sucked, never bitten.
