Mr. Styles the hamster goes missing!
This is the first instalment of a regular series about Urban
SEX Legends. These are stories that you have heard late at night, from some guy or girl you don't know, about some horror story involving
sex gone wrong. Our mission is to tell the story in its shocking entirety, then see if we can label it fact or fiction. So read on, if you dare, and enter the always fascinating, sometimes horrifying world of Urban
SEX Legends.
Hamsters
This story is all about hamsters and why they should not be used as love objects. What? You are surprised that people use hamsters during sex. Well, if you think this is all fiction, check out this site: www.realhamster.com. But seriously, hamsters and gerbils have been linked to many a sexual horror story. A few years back there was even a claim that movie star Richard Gere had to have one surgically removed from his anus, but there is no proof that the event actually occurred. The truth is these small rodents can be used to enhance your sex life. Not having tried this myself, I did some searching. Apparently, the method of choice is to wrap the live rodent in duct or masking tape, then insert it "" still wriggling with life "" into your butt. There are two claims as to why this is done. The first is that the rodent will struggle heroically trying to escape, thereby increasing the pleasure (?). The second could be that the user is too damn cheap to by a vibrator, but who really knows.
The Legend
The story made the email rounds several years ago, and it goes something like this...
Two gentlemen, and I use the term loosely, were engaged in sex. Having been partners for some time, both Blair and Garth were up for trying new things to get the most out of their love life. The most recent acquisition was Mr. Styles, a small Syrian hamster. Garth had heard a friend tell stories of how inserting a taped hamster into the rectum would increase the magic tenfold. So the adventurous duo proceeded to incorporate this poor animal into their sex life.
Things went well the first few times, with Mr. Styles performing admirably during each session, but this was not always to be the case. On the night in question, Garth, with Mr. Styles lodged firmly in his butt, had decided enough was enough. He shouted to Blair, "Armageddon," the agreed upon signal for hamster removal.
Now, in order to remove Mr. Styles, Blair was required to insert a cardboard tube into Garth's ass. This would allow him to safely extricate Mr. Styles without too much fuss. But on this night, things went horribly wrong. Mr. Styles was lodged deep inside Garth's colon and was not moving.
Blair, unable to see anything, decided to light a match and hold it over the tube. He hoped that this would allow him to locate Mr. Styles. Just as Blair peered in the match ignited a pocket of gas, causing a flame to fire out of the tube, which in turn ignited Blair's hair and face. Blair began to scream, and in doing so, he dropped the match.
The still lit match dropped into the tube where it landed on Mr. Styles, lighting the innocent hamster on fire. Mr. Styles began to tear violently at his surroundings, causing much pain and discomfort to Garth. To make matters worse, the struggle caused Garth to release another burst of gas, which launched Mr. Styles out of his anus like a cruise missile. The missile smashed into the still screaming Blair, breaking his nose.
By the time emergency crews got there, they found one dead hamster, one man with internal burns to his still smoking anus, and another with half his hair burnt off, second degree burns to his face, and a broken nose.
Fact or Fiction?
The truth is, if this ever happens to you, never tell anyone. You would be better off dying than having to explain this one to the paramedics. That being said, there is no proof that this event actually occurred, but there have been documented cases of rodent abuse. Here is a sample of a true event:
"A young man arrives at a hospital complaining of rectal bleeding. The nurse asks him some preliminary questions, but he is too embarrassed to provide any details. He insists on speaking only with the doctor. Alone in the examining room, the young man asks the doctor to examine his rectum, claiming there may be something wedged inside it. The doctor performs the exam, eventually removing a bloody, dead gerbil. The man claimed he had inserted the gerbil via a cardboard tube. He claimed the sensation of the hamster struggling to free itself was the reason he did this in the first place. Unfortunately for him, the gerbil tore the skin, leading to tissue damage, bleeding and swelling. This resulted in the gerbil being lodged in place, where it slowly suffocated to death. The man was eventually released."
Conclusion
If your sex life has got to the point where you need to start introducing live animals into the picture, I suggest it might be time for a new partner. Environmentalists are constantly complaining that we humans are destroying species and ruining the environment, so lets not give them another reason to add a new animal to the endangered species list. Hamsters are great pets for kids; they are not toys for older boys. If you need another reason to leave them alone, let's not forget they have very sharp teeth and claws! Ouch!
