Your New Best Friend: How To Choose the Right Pet...

Instead of being deterred by the nay-sayers, I simply took this as a challenge to prove that I was indeed capable of keeping another living thing alive for more than a fortnight. Being that there was absolute truth to the accusation that I had, until that point, been unable to keep plant life alive, I examined my requirements for a pet. Since I had proven myself delinquent in the "feeding and watering" department in the past, I decided that I needed a pet that was suitably vocal and mobile as to follow me around complaining until I fed it. Like my niece and nephew do.

Living in a climate that does not accommodate being outdoors for more than 30 seconds for a good 3-4 months of the year, I quickly ruled out dogs, due to their exercise and excretory needs. Still wanting a measure of companionship, I settled on a cat, which would suit my independent, oft-absent and largely sedentary lifestyle. It's been eight years, and I am proud to report that she is still alive and fiercely loyal in her indifferent sort of way.

If you are planning on taking that big step into pet ownership, you probably have a certain kind of pet in mind. Use this guide to find out if your desired companion will actually fit into the lifestyle and budget to which you have become accustomed.

Dogs
Dogs are loyal, can be trained, have personalities, and are completely dependent on you for all for their happiness. Dogs also need space, attention, training and time. Getting a puppy is a lot like having a new baby. It will cry all night and pee indiscriminately. Dogs have no idea that you just spent $500 on that new rug. You will need to train it to let you know when it needs to do its business outside, a lengthy, frustrating, and often destructive process. If you do not have the patience or time for this, consider getting an adult dog that someone had already trained (keep in mind that you have no idea what these people have trained the dog to actually do).

When the dog does learn to pee outside, you will be obligated to take it out. Most dogs will require daily exercise (some smaller dogs, less so).

Keep in mind that when you get a puppy, you will need to put the cash for annual shots, spaying or neutering (take Bob Barker's advice here), and medicine for when it gets sick. This can be very expensive, although many places are coming out with pet insurance to offset these costs.

Dogs are great for people who want to give a lot of love and attention to a pet. They are also good for people who like to be in control and enjoy a submissive, adoring companion.

Cats
Cats are low maintenance, period. By the time they are weaned from their mamas, often all that is required to train them to pee in a litter box is to show them where it is. Cats, however, do know that you just paid $500 for that new rug, and if they have to hack up a hairball, they will prefer to do it somewhere that is worthy of their bile.

Unlike dogs, cats really do not need a range of squeaky toys and bones to keep them happy for the 45 minutes of the day they are not sleeping. They are happy with a golf tee, a twist tie, or even a flashlight shone on the wall. On the down side, if they decide that your favorite piece of breakable crap is impeding their ability to lounge on the bookcase, they will push it off while staring you straight in the eye. Just so you know not to put it back there.

Cats will not defend your home from intruders, and in fact they will most likely trip you and leave you as bait in order to save their own hides. They will, however come and cuddle up on your lap when you are sick, upset, or have some food that they want.

Like dogs, they can be expensive to maintain, but they are the perfect pet for those who want a little love without the desperate, some might say pathetic, need that dogs have. Cats know their worth and will love you (since you feed them) for a few minutes at a time, a few times a day.

Reptiles and rodents
Unless you are 8 years old, a scientist, a homeless person, or own a reptile that needs mice for dinner, I cannot think of a reason to keep rodents. I suppose that they are cute, and if you like their frenetic energy, you could build an elaborate tunnel system in your home and watch them maneuver it, if that's your pleasure. If you are drawn to them, you'll have to put out some cash up front for their cage and exercise ball, but on the bright side, when they die, you can just throw them in the garbage and get a replacement for about $4.00.

I put reptiles with rodents as they require the same kind of up-front cost of aquariums and/or cages for an abode, and because if you own a snake, chances are, you'll need to own some rodents. Reptiles exist most frequently in warmer climates, so make sure that you are aware of their climatic and dietary needs and are willing to provide them. You don't want a cold, hungry boa sizing you up.

The other reason I put these together is that it strikes me that it would take an off-beat personality to desire a pet like a rodent or a reptile, someone who wants to out forth an image of someone who forges their own path, isn't a follower, and someone who is interested in their selection as an extension of their personality.

Fish and birds
I put these together for the reason that both are largely ornamental pets, and require almost no effort besides a daily feeding and the occasional cleaning of their accommodations. They will not be particularly affectionate, but they are good starter pets and many find them soothing or aesthetically pleasing.